Tested: 2024 Mercedes-Benz GLE 450d AMG Line

The market for luxury SUV’s is bursting at the seams, spilling out of all gaps and fit to burst for the umpteenth time. Meet the new Mercedes-Benz GLE 450d…

Yesterday afternoon I ran into a minor inconvenience. With my wife’s trusty SUV being in for some repairs to remedy its current untrustworthiness, we took one of my beloved classic coupés for a quick visit to the local shops. Where, owing to the car’s larger doors, I chose to park near the end of the car park for easier passenger exit and entry.

However, with a late afternoon attack of shoppers, when the 2.5 of us returned to my vehicle, it was flanked on either side by gigantic SUV’s: a Land Rover Discovery 4 and some sort of Ford. Both of them had every right to be there – in a rapidly moving parking lot – but suddenly we had to take great care not to ding the elongated door edges of my precious coupé.

With our car well within the confines of its demarcated bay (although at a slightly jaunty angle) I initially got irritated by the two 4×4’s for stopping dangerously close to the dividing lines. This turned out to be uncalled for because modern SUV’s are so big that they simply don’t fit into the standard-sized parking bay of a village shopping centre.

Furthermore, when I tried to reverse out of our erstwhile lonely bay, it turned out that I couldn’t see a blimmin’ thing except for a chunky Ford fender. And so I had to reverse by ear, which inevitably resulted in the irritated hooting by a hurried shopper leaving the parking lot. Worse still, another SUV driver was departing an opposing bay because s/he had completely failed to notice the small blue two-door gently backing up towards them.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because it irks me to no end that I am trapped in a world which has gone SUV-mad. At my daughter’s 6th birthday party, half the moms gave me a shocked expression when I said that city 4×4’s are wasteful and the other half nodded silently when I alleged that these vehicles tend to never leave the tarmac.

However, the dodgy farm roads, countless speed humps and feral potholes are so much more bearable when we slam through them in my darling’s lumbering 4WD gas guzzler. Which brings us, after five point something whiney paragraphs, to the doorstep of this new Mercedes-Benz GLE 450d.

Let’s immediately deal with its city 4WD credentials. Its heft and girth can easily keep up with Ford or Landy’s finest, while the raised driving position and seemingly solid construction gives suburban parents that all-important air of invincibility. Will it survive a direct hit by a cruise missile? Most certainly not, plus I’m in no position to test that.

However, thanks to enormous wheels and superb suspension, this Stuttgart bruiser can avoid or brush off minor parking altercations without fuss. I have to stress the “minor” attribute of that statement because a bumper or alloy repair on one of these brutes will not come cheap.

And for the second time as a temporary GLE 450d pilot, I initially thought that this vehicle was equipped with super soft air suspension… but the missing air ride controls in the centre console confirmed that this car rides on a conventional spring-and-damper setup. What I’m trying to illustrate by this statement is that a modern GLE with normal suspension has one of thee best rides you can get.

There are two further deductions I’d like to make here, should you purchase a specimen and tick the box for “Airmatic”. Firstly, the ride will doubtless be akin to floating on a cloud and secondly, any large Mercedes SUV’s with that system should be able to perform the viral video dance… which is actually a rescue mode for getting out of soft sand.

In its base specification, the GLE offers at least three driving modes, including an off-road setting with slightly tweaked gear change and throttle response. And don’t worry, modern urbanites, it most certainly has a Sports mode which gives you 100% more power and the ability to beat Porschs off the line. And to complete my intended cynicism, that’s as untrue as my colloquial spelling of Sport Mode and Porsche.

Put your foot down (in any mode beside Eco) and this car should hit 100km/h in 5.6 seconds while running out of momentum at the agreed 250km/h limit. That’s thanks to the 2,989cc in-line 6-cylinder turbo-diesel churning out a massive 285kW or colossal 750Nm through nine gears to all four wheels.

Our best of two 0-100 runs resulted in 5.76 seconds and a single emergency brake test from 100km/h took 3.4 seconds.

Can it pair with your iphone Galaxy 39 plus? Of course it can. Is the Hey Mercedes lady in the dashboard, mainly to impress your friends? Yes, she is. Are the sound system and headlights literally brilliant? You betcha. Is it available in Hilux White wiff scorching blehk leather? Uhh, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one in a different colour combination, to be honest.

And that’s probably the worst way to circle back to our SUV dilemma. The new Mercedes-Benz GLE 450d is super impressive in terms of power, efficiency, comfort and tech, and although it cuts quite a handsome figure, I remember temporarily losing one of mine in a crowded Windhoek city parking lot.

Each new GLE is sold with a 2-year/unlimited-mileage warranty and 5-year/100,000km maintenance plan with your choice of nine exterior and 1.5 interior colours. As long as you pick white with black, of course.