Stop the SUV tsunami!

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I have nightmares. Going to school in my underwear or falling off a cliff pale in significance to the one about a gigantic wall of cars rolling up my street. Three, four, five cars high and tumbling one over the other, the mass of [insert Yankee slang here] compact crossover SUV’s [end slang] grows bigger and bigger as it nears my house…

It’s all your fault. And mine. Oh, and our parents’. Asked why mine bought a modern soft-roader SUV, they replied by stating that they occasionally go off-road (down a dirt road for Easter lunch) while the extra ride height feels safer (it isn’t) and makes it easier to enter or exit the vehicle. OK, that last one I can’t argue with.

But the reason for my recurring ‘mare about wildly proliferating pavement 4×4’s is akin to being in a noisy street bazaar and foolishly pointing at some food. “Ooh, I like that!” will instantly be rewarded by two dozen over-eager sellers mutilating each other to promote their goods. You don’t believe me? Watch this:

So, what did you think of that list? That’s JUST the models available for sale in South Africa and excludes any bakkies or 4×4 commercial vehicles! Once I actually completed this list I realised in utter horror that the next occurrence of my nightmare may contain more SUV’s than ever before…

And if you think I’m being silly – or shouldn’t have included cheap little city stuff like the Kwid or Ignis – you just wait a year or two and see what else is coming! The SUV is not just here to stay, it’s taking names, kicking everyone’s arse, going to steal your pousebrood money and chase away everything that isn’t tall, trendy and terribly overpriced.

Ironically, our only salvation appears to be Greenpeace types as they’ve long identified big SUV’s as the poster-child for excessive and selfish pollution. However, as already evidenced by Tesla or the Jaguar I-pace, the soft-roader is securing its future by adapting to a self-driving, electric, hideously expensive ego boost.

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